Comfortably Not NYC

I have no time to write anymore. Literally. I barely have time to do my homework, and it is currently 12 25 in the morning. I should be in bed. But I want to share this. 

I have just finished writing my second English paper, and I've hated writing both. Nevertheless, I'm rather fond of the beginning paragraphs, so I felt compelled to put them up on my blog, since they resemble a rant more than an actual essay. Perfect, right? The rest of the essay will be just for my teacher's eyes, however, because it just gets progressively more dull from that point on, and the last thing I would want is to bore you.

Anyway, here it is, an excerpt from my English essay, "Comfortably Not NYC":

Someone once said that New York City has an admirer, a copycat. This "wannabe" city is Toronto, Ontario, Canada, and it is trying everything to become the next Big Apple.

Whoever said that has clearly never been to Toronto, however, because while there are some similarities, the two cities are far from being very alike. New York is like a Granny Smith - popular but not always pleasant - while Toronto is more of a Red Delicious: alluring, attractive, and easy on the taste buds. The capital of the world is big and impersonal, home to cutthroat businessmen and bankers, where the cream of the crop go to discover that they are not the cream of the crop. It belittles you, this city, makes you feel inferior, inadequate. It's the most brutal of reality checks, where happiness goes to gain perspective.

Toronto does not boast the same cruelly tense environment. While just as big, it is nowhere near as unfriendly or condescending, nor is it heading in that direction. Even the business district lacks the intimidation that one would generally anticipate in business districts. If New York City is home to every type of stress known to man (and many more that are not), Toronto is the complete opposite: it's comfortable. 

Feel free to agree or disagree with these statements at will. I had to rewrite this from the Word document, since for some reason copy and paste just won't work. Now it's time for me to make an attempt to get in bed before one in the morning. 

See what I do for you? 

Wearily yours, 

Aya

I love North America...

It's been a while, dear readers, because I have not been anywhere near my laptop - or, in fact, a decent connection to the Internet - in over three weeks. I was in Ukraine, a country that I used to adore. 

Now? Not so much. 

You know, I always had a strange fascination with Europe, and one of my greatest dreams was to do a backpacking trip across it, starting unoriginally in London, continuing by train equally unorignally to Paris, then Amsterdam, then Berlin, then somewhere else...the whole shebang. Well, after my stint in Ukraine, and the brief trip to Amsterdam on my layover during the flight back home, I doubt that I will ever spend more than a week anywhere in Europe unless I am guaranteed the following three things:

- a normal shower (i.e. one that has water that can actually be warm, instead of freezing or scalding)
- normal food (i.e. food that doesn't automatically make me sick) 
- central air conditioning (because I refuse to get sick again from being too hot, and then getting cold air blown in my face)

I have an entirely new appreciation for North America, its service industry, its food, its shelters, its service industry, its air, its water systems, its service industry, its transportation systems, and, most importantly, its service industry.


Ukraine does not have a service industry.


Seriously. It's as though people don't want to make money. You walk into a store, and you can tell right away whether or not the staff likes you. Who cares that you're a customer? They will be rude to you. They will yell at you if they feel like it. They will show you their displeasure and try to make you feel about an inch tall. You walk into a store and you can immediately tell when a person is unhappy and couldn't give less of a shit about the fact that you may potentially buy something. In North America, you're taught that it doesn't matter what the hell kind of problems you've got at home or in your personal life, or if you're displeased with something, or if you have a problem with someone; when you are at work, you smile, nod, agree, be at your best behaviour, and help the customer to your best ability. The time to bitch and moan is at home to your boyfriend/husband/friends/parents/pillow.

Anyway, I'm not going to go on for too long, because I have neither the energy nor time. In less than forty-eight hours, I will be sitting on one of two planes - it's friggin' impossible to find non-stop flights these days - on my way to university. I still have to pack all the things that I'm taking with me, all the things that I'll need in my dorm. I've barely started, which means I am extremely behind. Which is very bad news indeed, since I still have to buy things.


Oops.


The other thing I have to say is that there will be a significant change now that my free time is going from limited to nonexistent: chances are that this blog will go very long periods of time without an entry. I will try my best to keep writing - especially since, now that I'm entering an entirely new environment, there will probably be much to observe, criticize, and rant about - but make no other promises.

...

Okay, truthfully, I'm out of things to say for the time being, and have so much to do that I'm itching to get to work. Hopefully I write something before the new year. 

Hectically yours, 
Aya

Girls Are Expensive

Many of you will most likely have seen or heard the following joke in some way, shape, or form: 

Let's admit to ourselves that the above is quite clever, and very funny. I laughed and laughed when it was first shown to me. However, I have to point out something that negates this calculation: 

Now, I'm not entirely sure what this guy's math teacher told him, but I - along with I'm sure about 99% of the world - have always been taught that, in mathematics, "and" means addition, not multiplication; multiplication has always been represented by the word "by". So "and" = "+", and "by" = "x". That being the case, we would have to conclude the following:

Thus:

Which makes this proof inaccurate, which, therefore, means it is wrong. This calculation more or less ends at the third line (the first "therefore" statement), since afterward it doesn't make all that much sense. All that we can really conclude from this (considering Girls = 2Money) is that: 

But I'm pretty sure we all knew that...

Logically yours, 

Aya

US Department of "Safety"

I found another article that I found hilarious. Had to share it with you (especially as my current writing time is limited). 

The US government has a new website, http://www.ready.gov/.  It's another attempt at scare mongering in the style of the old "duck and cover" advice after WWII.

The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything!  Here are a few interpretations.

If you have set yourself on fire, do not run

If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.

If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder

If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.

Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!

The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand.

Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the fuck away.

Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.

Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.

If a door is closed, karate chop it open.

If your building collapses, give yourself a blowjob while waiting to be rescued.

Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile

After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.

If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit.

-- If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.

If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.

If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.

If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.

Do not drive a stations wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.

-- A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.

Laughingly yours, 

Aya

Original article can be found at: http://www.nirvani.net/misc/emergency/ .

Politics Explained

I found this article completely accidentally while "Stumbling" with StumbleUpon. I found it hysterical, and decided that I must share it with you. Tell me what you think.

Politics Explained

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

The last one is a bit iffy, but the rest is hilariously accurate. Find the original (or original version of this, anyway) at http://www.sjgames.com/illuminati/politics.html.

Cheese(iness)

God I hate cheesiness. Or corniness - whatever you want to call it. This may or may not be a strange thing to say for a girl, but in this day and age, I don't really think that it's all that abnormal. Let's face it: girls are sick and tired of worn out, cliched, and more or less thoughtless words being thrown their way, just because the same words worked for the protagonists in cheap, cutesy chick-flicks thrown together by Hollywood in an on-going attempt to plant unrealistic ideas into the minds of women and earn money off of it. 

As disappointing to admit as it is, it cannot be denied that, at one point in time, we actually really thought that fairytale-like happy endings were a certainty for each and every one of us. That belief has slowly died out as contemporary reality continues to slap us in the face each and every day, which is why poetry and songs played on guitars in the middle of public places, or elaborate proposals and declarations of love, and all those other things that may have been sweet and original at the beginning of the 20th century, are no longer sweet and original; they're annoying, overplayed, and an indication that a guy doesn't care enough to do something that is different. Even if it isn't something completely spectacular, if it is thoughtful and shows that the guy knows the girl well, knows what she's all about, it is automatically romantic, automatically original.

Now, to explore this topic further, I will create yet another list. (That seems to be my style of prose of choice of late. And yes. I put in all those "of"s on purpose.) This is a list of the top ten cheesiest forms of torture a male can make a female suffer through, compiled from what I have seen in movies, read in books, and have experienced. And thus: 

TOP 10 CHEESIEST FORMS OF TORTURE

10. A love letter bursting with extended metaphors, similes likening your smile to a ray of sunshine and your eyes to the depths of the Atlantic, and hyperbolic descriptions of your endless desirable qualities. Some girls and women might actually enjoy this and find it cute; in fact, some would probably kill to get a letter like this. On the other hand, I have to point out that you can't look directly into the sun because you'll be blinded, and Titanic sank in the Atlantic Ocean. Foreshadowing, anyone? 

9. Singing a song for or dedicated to you on karaoke night, gaze unwaveringly fixated on you. This can be made infinitely worse if the song is a mushy oldie by a female artist longing for her true love, and if the guy singing it cannot carry a tune. In films, the result is often a tearful, love-struck woman making her way to the man as if floating on air, unable to suppress her happiness. In real life, the object of affection would sink as low in her chair or booth as possible without actually hiding under the table, face burning with embarrassment, downing shots in quick succession in the hopes of blocking everything out. 

8. Singing a song for you while playing on the guitar, usually somewhere in a park, on a stage during mic night, or in other stereotypically "romantic" locations. Usually, several people will be around to amplify the effect. A man who chooses to do this has three things: an unfortunate ability to play an instrument, an equally unfortunate taste in music, and an unattractive amount of self-confidence. Or the need to be seen. Or both. Whichever it is, unless you yourself are completely unoriginal and simple-minded, this guy isn't a keeper. (It must be noted that a guy singing a song for you that he wrote himself, accompanied by either guitar or piano, isn't actually that bad. It takes effort to write a song, and it takes courage to perform it for you. And if the guy sings it for you somewhere secluded, where it's just the two of you? That's even better. While still corny, it's admittedly quite sweet. He might be a keeper.) 

7. Writing you a poem and reading it to you in front of a huge group of people. This isn't a proclamation of love so much as it is a cry for attention. If a guy was so inspired by you that he wrote a poem about you, and he wanted to show it to you to show how he feels, he would usually just give it to you in an envelope or read it to you privately. A crowd acts as validation that he did the right thing in wasting his time writing anything, a way to try and garner approval, recognition and popularity. The excuse that he wanted the whole world to know how he felt is bullshit: what the world thinks doesn't matter - as long as you know, it should be enough. And getting a relationship out in the open like that isn't romantic; it's annoying and desperate. 

6. Making a speech to and about you (without having previously written anything down), also in the midst of a huge crowd. Much of the previous applies, although this is slightly worse, because the "spontaneity" of it is supposed to be deemed even more romantic than something a guy has been planning for a long time, as it is supposed to imply that he laid eyes on you and automatically had the urge to do something spectacular and sweet. What it really means is that the guy realized at the last second that he hasn't actually done anything particularly wonderful of late, and since he hasn't bothered thinking about you when you aren't around, he has nothing prepared, so he figures that doing something so sudden and unexpected will be considered spontaneous and romantic (really getting tired of that word), and will embarrass both you and himself just to try and lodge himself deeper in your good book. 

5. Buying you an extravagant gift (not ring) to show you his affection, accompanied by a personalized card or letter with a declaration of his love, for Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day. Declaring love on Valentine's Day is about as original as wishing someone a Happy Birthday on their...er...birthday. Besides, it's such an overrated - and redundant - holiday that anything you do on it is just as overrated and redundant.

4. Proposing on Valentine's Day. Enough said. 

3. Proposing on Valentine's Day in a huge crowd of people, especially if your parents are present. Oh, the horror... 

2. Compiling an extravagant proposal in the middle of Central Park, New York, complete with song and dance, and accompanied with several back-up dancers and singers, musicians, and a camera crew. Oh, and let's not forget the crowd of people that will have inevitably gathered before the whole ordeal even begins. A lot of you, if you pay any attention to MSN videos, will probably know what I'm referring to. 

1. This one's a classic, one that everybody knows. It was considered extremely romantic and beautiful when it was first introduced - you know, back in the sixteenth century. Yes, the timeless scene from Romeo and Juliet: professing one's love underneath the balcony on which the object of affection stands, transfixed, mesmerized, and equally passionate. This has been watered down and modernized over time, so variations may be of a boy on a lawn spilling his heart out to a girl looking down from her bedroom window; a boy on a lawn playing his guitar and singing a song to confess his feelings in front of a dorm building, several girls (and boys) looking down from their windows; a boy looking up at an enormous dorm building, and every girl in it is hanging out of her window, waving and calling to him - except one. The one. The possibilities are endless, but the result is the same: melting, gooey, smelly cheese.

I apologize in advance if this offends anyone, since it is hardly a representation of how every single female on the planet feels. Many women will find such things adorable, and many would want to be the objects of affection in similar scenarios. On the other hand, many feel the opposite, and I am very much one of them. I will take Pad Thai or sushi over flowers and a card any day, and while I, like most females, love chocolate, moderation is key. 


Truthfully yours, 
Aya

Liar, liar - no, not the movie

Oh, hello. Remember me? The absentee author of this blog? Yeah, just thought I'd pop in for a bit, say a few words. You know, kind of like I'm supposed to be doing a few times each month. But, since I've quite obviously failed spectacularly in doing so, I will cease promising anything from this point forward, as it is clear that I follow through on them about as often as I pull out my own eyelashes...on purpose. (In real life, of course, that is made easier, but when it comes to stuff like this, motivation and ideas play huge roles in putting this out - and as I have had neither, you have had nothing to read.)

As we are on the topic of promises, though, let us discuss a very closely related topic: lies. Lately I have found myself in the midst of a myriad of people who have turned out to be very different from who I believed them to be. Lies, I have found through experience, always lead to far more trouble than telling the truth - no matter how bad or otherwise it may be - does. Not to sound cliche, but lies will end up hurting people 95% of the time...even if the initial intentions are to get the opposite effect. So, knowing this, why do people lie? Aside from the obvious reasons (i.e. to try and save their own hides), why do people tell the lies they do? I've explored this topic a little bit, and have come up with the following list of reasons why people lie

(It should be noted beforehand that these are opinions of my own, and disagreements are very much welcome. In fact, if you have a refutation, please let me know what it is. =] )

And so, why people lie:  

1. To enhance one's image. After all, it sounds far more exciting to say (if you're a girl) that Sidney Crosby, currently the greatest hockey player in the entire world, lost his virginity to you, and now he won't stop bugging you, even though you've told him time and again that you aren't interested, than to say "Oh, yeah, my first time was with my high school boyfriend in grade twelve. We didn't last very long after that. It was my first time, but man, it sucked." 

2. To improve one's social situation. I mean, who wouldn't lie about being rich and having super-nice cars, and getting regular opportunities to drive super-cars - like Audi R8s, but it was only a v10 - and have their own businesses at the ripe old age of seventeen? It's so much more impressive than, uh, a job at Longo's or Futureshop, and thus garners significantly more attention. And, er, friendships.

3. To avoid problems. You want something, but you know that, if you get it, shit is seriously going to hit the fan. Hell, you don't even want it all that much, but why not take the risk if you know that you can avoid all the drama and fuss if you just...don't mention it? Why not go ahead and take the plunge if you know that the person has next to no way of figuring out the truth? (The answer? Because big lies are always way too hard to keep up, and in this day and age, even if that person doesn't know what's going on, someone they know most likely does, so secrets don't stay secret for very long...)

4. Because one cares only about oneself. Who gives a shit how a person's lies may affect the ones closest to them? It's all about being in the moment, all about getting in the most advantageous situation possible. It's because people want to be the ones to come out on top, to be the ones with the most material (and, in some cases, immaterial) possessions. If telling a few lies gets you ahead, then what's wrong with drawing a little bit of emotional blood in the process?

5. To have a back-up plan. This one's easy: you lie to people so that, in case something in your life falls through (friendships, jobs, all manners of relationships), you can have something or someone to fall back on. This is done most often in high school: you mingle and fake your way into as many social groups as possible so that, if one kicks you out, you've still got a place to go.

6. Insecurity. This ties into the first and second ones: you don't feel that you, as a person, are good enough. So you lie to make yourself seem better to everyone else. Problem with that is, as I mentioned earlier, it's hard to maintain really big lies for very long in this day and age. At one point, someone will find out that you do not have a Porsche 911 Turbo, that your ex-girlfriend was not a Brazilian supermodel, that you are not an heir to a major chain of hotels, and that you were never a superstar hockey player who will never be in the NHL due to an injury. They will, instead, discover that you take the bus, have never been in a relationship, have no clue what the hell you're going to do with your life, and have never played a competitive sport in which you could potentially get bruised. In fact, your idea of "exercise" is the five-minute walk to the bus stop every morning.

7. Starved for attention. Also ties into several of the aforementioned reasons. People who are alone and need company, or need others to pay attention to them will lie their asses off - a lot of the time, though, the lies won't always be good. Not uncommon to lie about illnesses and diseases that are ravaging ones body just for the sake of getting sympathy and pity from the people who hear about it. Note to all those who do this: karma is a fucking bitch, so choose your lies carefully. Better yet, come to terms with your dull reality and just let it be.

I certainly have.

Affrontedly yours, 
Aya

Why North America is going to the dogs

Okay, so clearly I lied when I said "by the end of the weekend." What I really meant was, "by the end of the month, assuming a multitude of external factors don't get in my way." But, you know, I assumed you could read between the lines. I swear I'm trying to be more diligent about this blog, but with my current schedule, that's far easier said than done. 

So, without further adieu, let's go on to the topic at hand: North American education (or lack thereof)! Here are the top ten, academically-related reasons (in no particular order of significance) that are contributing to the demise of our society (intellectually and otherwise), presented in a list of what high school-related terms really mean (primary education is just a watered-down version of this).


10. School: A large building that provides an opportune location for consistent, daily social gatherings of the under-age variety. Not only can it be fun, but attendance has been made mandatory by the government, who didn't realize that they were enabling continuous debauchery. Activities include any and all forms of socializing specifically designed to infuriate the administration and authorities. It should be noted that, just because there is no computer in sight, that does not mean that Facebook and Twitter cannot be checked and updated. All. The. Time. 

9. School Board: A group of people who writes up documents for schools, including their curricula  and regulations. And by writing up documents, I mean that they edit them each and every year, taking out the parts that have made learning and getting a passing grade too difficult that year, even though a decade earlier that same curriculum would have been viewed as a practical joke. Incidentally, the most dramatic changes always take place after a series of parental complaints, so we can see that the school board really cares about its students, and continue to simplify the education system for its students' sakes. It's got nothing to do with the fact that they want to avoid confrontation as best as possible, because dealing with complaints always results in having to work overtime. Of course not.

8. Teacher: A fancy name for the babysitter that looks after a group of young people between the ages of 13 and 20 for an average of 75 minutes every day. 

7. Principal: The person in charge of the babysitting business. It is his or her responsibility to hire the babysitters that they think will best suit the students' array of needs, and for whom the students will have the least number of complaints. He or she is also to whom a teacher turns when they can no longer control their roomful of raucous people.

6. Student: A person who belongs to an institution of education, and as a result gets discounts on public transportation fare. Also the person who has made it his or her mission to cause teachers and principals as much grief and trouble as humanly possible.

5. Class: A place where the teacher tries to keep his or her students quiet and complacent by pretending to feed them information that will supposedly help them later on in life. It is also where the students love to ask questions along the lines of, "Why do we need to learn this?" or "When are we ever going to use this information?" If a teacher dares to say that it is so that they can go on to university or college, get a job, and lead a successful life in the future, he or she will be laughed at and ridiculed for the remainder of the semester - possibly even year. After all, what kind of stupid response is that?

4. Homework: Optional activities assigned to the students to maintain the pretense of learning. It is a teacher's way of trying to keep his or her students out of trouble once they leave school property, when it is no longer his or her responsibility to look after the charges. Even though they are secretly relieved that the students have gone, the school board mandates that homework and assignments be given out on a regular basis. This is clearly evidence of the board's stupidity and naiveté, as it is only on rare occasion that any of what is assigned gets done.

3. Honour Roll: A long list of students that was able to maintain above-average grades in each of his or her courses. This means that they attended classes almost regularly, didn't give their teachers enough trouble that the latter felt the need to punish them with low grades, and actually did some of the homework they received. In other words, they did the bare minimum and got away with it.

2. Graduation: A necessity to be able to get one's driver's license. Also a reason for parents to praise their kids and give them gifts and money. Most importantly, an excuse to go to a  huge party, get completely smashed, and do a variety of unmentionable things with a variety of unmentionable people.

1. Education: A euphemism for the system that allows parents to go to work every day without having to worry about taking care of their kids. Also what, a decade ago, helped the progression of civilization. Now: nonexistent. 


A word to the wise: home-schooling with a private teacher who actually has a good, well-rounded education is soon going to be back in style. 


Pragmatically yours, 
Aya

First Post in over a Month

You know you haven't been doing a very good job of keeping up your blog when you realize that there will be no link to the Archives for the month of April...simply because there were a total of zero posts put up during the month of April. That's not to say that I haven't had anything to say, or things to criticize. Quite the opposite, in fact. But the truth is, my motivation to write anything of late has been at bedrock level. (For those who aren't familiar with geography, that's quite a bit below ground level...)

But today I vow to change everything! Today (or rather, later today) I will work on a new post, and hope to have it up by the end of the weekend. The topic will be North American (primarily Canadian, obviously, but I'll touch on our neighbour's, too) education. Or, you know, lack thereof. Coming soon! 

Apologetically yours, 

Aya

Must-Read Article

It has been an absolute age since I have written anything. I know. And I completely understand your frustration (assuming you are, of course, frustrated). But blame it entirely on the stress of university decisions. I have been waiting desperately and in mental agony for the verdict for my future, and have been able to do little else. In fact, I have become so utterly useless, that instead of filling my unfathomable amount of free time (particularly due to my recent injury) with positive and productive tasks (for examples: writing!!!), I have been doing nothing but watching endless episodes of House M.D. I blame a friend for giving me the means to actually do this. 

It's all your fault that I'm a lazy ass! 

Actually, the fact that I'm a lazy ass has very little to do with him (key words: very little; he's still to blame to some extent), and mostly to do with the fact that I am a lazy ass. But that isn't the point. The point is that, after tomorrow, I will most likely be able to find topics to write about. And the focus. But right now, that is not the case. So this is a very short post directing you to two things that I found very interesting. The first is an article on the world's laziest countries. Canada did come in second, but I'm okay with that, because guess who came in first? In a list that you do not want to top.... Find out here.

The other is something that a friend pointed out to me. It's not really an article, so much as an informative poster/graph that shows the world's Internet speeds and costs. Surprisingly (at least to me, but that's most likely due to the fact that I'm naive in a very stupid way), we're not exactly up there. Unsurprisingly, Japan is. Check it out:

Interestedly (and anxiously) yours,
Aya

P.S. If you've got any suggestions for the blog's theme, let me know!

Free Health Care...?

If there is one thing that can take me out of my patriotic state of mind, it's today's trip to the emergency room. Or emergency ward. Or, basically, the hospital, since clearly the word "emergency" had absolutely nothing to do with it. 

Yesterday, I twisted my ankle while stepping off a Bosu ball. It hurt like HELL. I mean, as a tennis player, I've had plenty of injuries, including an ankle injury from around two years ago (occurred at the same gym and similar time-frame, ironically), so my pain threshold is pretty big. I had tendonitis in my shoulder for a couple years, and there was a point where I couldn't even lift my arm. (Since tendonitis tends to be chronic, it likes to say hello to me once in a while.) But nothing felt as painful as falling yesterday. You should have heard the crack. I think that sound alone sent me into a catatonic shock.

I got my ankle checked, and I strained a couple ligaments, so I'm off tennis for three to four weeks. There didn't seem to be anything wrong with my bone or anything, but my doctor(s) told me to get an x-ray just in case. So I had to go to my family doctor to get a referral, but instead of giving me one, she sent me to the hospital, saying that if there was something wrong with it, then they'd be able to put a cast on my foot right away. 

Before I start, can I just ask: WTF? Why the hell do you have to go get a referral to get an x-ray? Why? Why is it that nobody respects time? First I have to go all the way to my family doctor, wait, have her press on my bone so hard that I could have punched her in the face for not having learned the meaning of "gentle" after all these years, then be sent to a hospital, which is another fifteen to twenty minutes of driving, hours and hours of waiting, more pressing, finally an x-ray, and - after what seemed like an age - an answer. The verdict? No, my ankle is not cracked, just a tissue injury. Ice a lot, stay off it, and wear a brace. 

...I waited over three hours for a confirmation of what I already knew. In fact, I knew more than he did, because he failed to see that I had injured ligaments (to those of you know naught on the subject, that's pretty huge) - or maybe just failed to mention it- and said that if, in a week, it still hurts, I should go see a doctor again. In fact, if, in a week, it feels okay, I can even play the provincials that are coming up! 

Um...hello? A week? Was he for real? The last time I had an injury like this (three strained ligaments that time), I was out of commission for months. I mean, after a few weeks I could run okay, and jumping got easier, but it took months of wearing the brace, rehab, and being careful before it felt back to normal. And this guy says a week? 

By the way, I'm not just saying that, either. I had two other doctors (a chiropractor and a physiotherapist) look at it, and both agreed that it would take three to four weeks to heal. So I dunno...two specialists that I know and trust versus a guy I met only today, and who probably just wanted me out of his sight as soon as possible... Tough call. 

But my woes and life issues, as exciting as they are, aren't the subject of today's post. No, what I would like to cordially discuss is the concept of "free health care" in Canada. I say "concept", because I have finally, fully realized that there is no free health care in Canada. None. For example, today, I had to pay fifteen dollars to waste over three hours in an emergency room (increasing my chances of getting sick in the process) to hear completely useless advice. You know why? Because you have to pay to park your car. Yeah. Not only are you sick and in pain, you have to fork over buckage as a result of that very fact.
You would think that the already-unreasonable taxes we pay would cover that, but no. Oh, no. Teachers working with the York Region District School Board often have to give 46% of what they earn to the government, so that the money can be used to improve our school-systems, make health care better and affordable, look after our cities, etc. Strangely enough, I don't see any improvements in the school-system. In fact, the opposite is true (for proof, walk into any given high school, and you are guaranteed to find ten times the number of stupid people you would have found, say, two years ago). I don't see better or more affordable health care, either. For one, doctors in hospitals seem to glance at the surface of the issue and write you off, and then wonder why you're back a week later, feeling worse than before (answer: because the problem was two centimeters beneath the surface, but you were too lazy to dig that deep, asshole). Specialists are better, of course, actually taking the time to look at you from all possible angles, narrowing down the problem, figuring out proper treatment solutions - all the stuff that should always be done. But that's because you're paying them to do so, and usually, you have to pay a whole hell of a lot. Average physiotheraphy rate: $65-100 per hour. Average massage rate: $80-100 per hour. Average hospital rate: anywhere between three to infinite wasted hours, parking fee (charged by the minute), and the impossibly high costs of your medicine/recovery necessities. (For my ankle: ibuprofen and a brace, the latter of which costs around $85. It's lucky - sort of - I already have one.)

Oh, and let's not forget, ladies and gentlemen, that dentists aren't free anymore, either (thank you, Jean Chrétien). It's ironic, actually, because dental surgeries are the most common surgeries, and yet our taxes pay for the ones we are liable to never have to get. If your teeth are falling out and you need implants, that shit comes out of your own pocket, however bare it may be. You gotta go into dept for the sake of being able to chew your own food? That's fine by the government.

And another thing: why call the Emergency Room the "Emergency" Room, if it takes you a fucking age to get any attention? No, I do not want to get old waiting for a doctor to finally look at my toe (hypothetically speaking) and tell me if there's something wrong with it or not. I want immediate attention and care so that I can get on with my life. Is that so much to ask? (You know, this fact probably wouldn't be so infuriating if constant work was getting done. But it's not. While sitting in the Red Zone, I was a witness to the social banter going on between nurses and the one doctor, as though everything was fine and dandy. I don't care when your birthday is! My ankle fucking hurts!) One poor guy was sitting in his chair, bleeding non-stop, when a nurse came over and told him that his doctor would be with him in an hour.

Oh, that's fine. I'll just bleed to death while I wait, shall I?

Idiotic system. You realize we're going to be paying even more taxes now that the GST and PST are going to be one and the same, right? So before, when you were paying 5% for certain things, while 13% for others, you are now paying a solid 13% for everything. So that poor high school Math teacher who pays 46% income tax is now going to be paying even MORE money. Add to that property tax, and a whole slew of other taxes that I don't even know the names of, and we just can't catch a break, can we?

I'm starting to wonder if maybe Canada's full of shit...

If you have evidence to the contrary, please let me know, because I'm losing grip on my formerly firm belief that I live in the greatest country ever... I'm obviously seriously pissed off right now, so maybe tomorrow I'll change my mind completely and be back to loving this place for all it's worth. Nevertheless, as of this moment, that is not the case.

Dubiously yours,
Aya

Justin Bieber

I swore to myself I wouldn't do this. Actually, the first thing I swore was that, when (or if) I did end up writing this, it would be the most abusive amalgamation of words I could come up with. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to do research when I decide to slam people, if not to be able to make a stronger case, then to justify to myself that what I am about to write is okay. 

I am telling myself for the thousandth time that I should not have done that with Justin Bieber. 

So, for those of you who are (perhaps wonderfully) unaware of who this Justin Bieber is, let me Google him for you. I'll even add a picture: 

For everybody else, here is my surprisingly benign response to the world's newest celebrity.

But first - First Impression: little kid singing grown-up songs about falling in love with girls seemingly twice his height and age (this is purposely hyperbolic). Reasons to not like: 1) In spite of how obviously adorable this kid is, the point is that he is just that: a KID. He should not be singing songs that not too many twenty-year-olds can get away with. He needs to be at home, "building a tent-fort". (NB: Not my words. See ummmmheyyyy.) 2) In spite of how obviously adorable this kid is, he should not be flaunting his immediate effect on girls. It is not right. Or fair. 3) In spite of how obviously adorable this kid is, he cannot - and should not - get away with trying to act like Usher. He is not Usher. He is Usher's protege. There is a difference. (Uh...duh.) 4) He asked out Rihanna. In spite of how obviously adorable this kid is, you've got to be kidding me. And 5) He's Canadian. For some reason, that bothered me more than anything else. 

(Given my current patriotism, that one stuck. But not in the same way.)

So...I think this, more than anything else, proves that I am a truly shallow person. I am ashamed to admit that I judged him on these facts alone. (Although, in my defense, that is how one typically judges people, is it not?) And because of these facts alone, I have been judgmental to the point of hateful toward the young Justin Bieber, and for, it seems, all the wrong reasons. And thus, after some uncharacteristically thorough research, I have come up with a list of reasons why his fans have every right to be his fans, and my own opinion of him has done a 180.

THE LIST
1) When Mr. Bieber came out with his first few songs, he was 15. Admittedly, he looked younger than that, but that is hardly something he can be faulted for. "Haters" bash him for singing songs about love. After all, at 15, how can he know anything about the subject? Well here's a better question: who's to say he doesn't? There are plenty of people who are mature beyond their years. Hell, I felt I was capable of love when I was 15. I felt that way when I was 13. Many people did and do. Why shouldn't he? It's 15, not 5. We can therefore all scratch his song theme of choice as a reason to dislike him.

2) Justin has yet to fully hit puberty. That much is clear. That does not mean that he doesn't have talent. On the contrary, he is very, very talented. Shit, I wish I could play all the instruments he plays. Or sing half as well as he does. So his voice isn't a deep baritone. Big deal. He still sounds good, right? And don't say he doesn't, because that's bullshit. I had nothing against his voice even when I didn't like him. No argument.

3) The kid's cute. Let's all get it out now: he is a good-looking kid. His smile is worth screaming over. If you hate him for that fact, it's because you're jealous. If I were a boy, I'd be jealous, too. Luckily, I'm a girl, so I can get away with appreciating his looks for what they are: adorable. (New word of the day, folks.)

4) The songs. Let's face it: if Justin were four or five years older, it would be a lot easier to admit that his songs are good. Because they are. They're good songs. I refuse to listen to them on principle. (Actually, it's an act of self-preservation. As if I don't already feel pathetic, listening to a 15/16-year-old singing songs that I, under many other circumstances, would have no problem listening to on repeat is not the best way to make me feel any better about myself.) But that doesn't mean that there's anything particularly wrong with them, which is why there is nothing wrong with listening to them. The beats are pretty good, the lyrics are pretty good, and they're sung really well. Few of us have real issue with his songs - it's more the fact that he's the one signing them. (A stupid, petty reason, but we're only human.)

5) I accidentally came across a video of him playing live. He sings his heart out. He does it well. He can do it while playing on the piano or guitar. That is impressive. That warrants respect. And depression (at least, on my part, because I have yet to do anything nearly as impressive).

6) I equally accidentally (well, that's what I'm telling myself) came across a video of him with a three-year-old. It was sweet. He doesn't seem like an ass. That's commendable. And respectable. And depressing (because the list of reasons to dislike him just keeps getting smaller, doesn't it?)

7) He's got thirty million girls between the ages of 2 and 16 drooling over him (probably plenty of girls older than that, too). Big fucking deal. You want thirty million guys to be drooling over him? Thirty million adults? What? He appeals to that demographic. You have a problem with that, then you probably just have a problem in general. (Note: however, in spite of this, I refuse to believe that any of these fans have reason to cry when they see him. Why obsess over him if he reduces you to tears? Seriously. If you're a fan, smile and laugh, because you're supposed to be happy to see him. Not depressed. Unless you're me, but that's a whole different story.)

8) He didn't just happen to fall into where he is. He had to learn to play those instruments. He had to somehow show the world his voice. From what I have learned, he was on YouTube for years before he was discovered. And then when he was, it was down to work: learning new songs, singing them, recording them, filming videos, compiling CDs, traveling to play live, traveling to concerts, traveling to do interviews, publicity...on and on and on. It's hard work, people. Do not undermine what he does by insulting him.

9) Possibly amongst the most important: he's Canadian. How awesome is it that we seem to come out with so many talented people? (Irrelevant side-note: Hahahahaaaaa....I love how I can turn anything into a slam against the U.S. I have a feeling this might become a common theme.)

I believe all the above are reason enough to excuse the fact that he tries to act "G". He idolizes Usher. He wants to be like him. We all have our dreams, our hopes, our wishes. He does, too, and who are we to put him down for it? Who are we to try and demoralize him just because we may not necessarily agree with everything he does? 

In fact, who are we, really? Do you know who I am? No. Do I know who you are? No. Do we know who he is? Yes. Case closed.

In summation, I have nothing against Justin Bieber. In fact, I respect and admire him, something I am not used to saying about someone younger than I (and will therefore not repeat more than is absolutely necessary, i.e. to make a point). What he's achieved is pretty incredible. Plus, he's not Miley Cyrus, so that's huge.

I'm not saying that I'm going to be joining the throng of Bieber-obsessed girlies crowding elementary and high school hallways (makes me especially glad that I graduated the latter a semester early), because, like I said, his success depresses me. It makes me wonder why I haven't done anything to the same avail. Nevertheless, he is undeniably an inspiration, and deserves the respect of everyone, no matter who they (or you) are.

Docilely yours,
Aya

P.S. This will probably be the last positive post I write for a while, because so much shit has hit the fan recently, that there is tons of potential for wonderfully sarcastic and cynical rants. See you soon!

Brooklyn's Finest - oxymorons at their best

I never thought that I would leave a movie theatre with more reason than ever to dis the great U.S. of A., but here I am. I would like to remind the world two incredibly obvious, but crucially important, things: 1) Hollywood is in the States; 2) so is New York.

Earlier this evening, my friend and I planned to watch Shutter Island. Twenty-five minutes into the movie, I just couldn't stand the suspense (i.e. continuous close-ups of Leonardo DiCaprio staring at things while eerie music plays in the background). Oh, that, and the fact that the dialogue sucked, the actors sucked, the movie's set-up sucked, and the first twenty-five minutes really, really sucked. Maybe the rest was better. I don't know. Didn't bother sticking around to find out.

So my friend and I hightailed it out of there and slipped into another theatre, where Brooklyn's Finest was about to start.

Brooklyn's Finest. Hah. Hahahahaha.

Hahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaha.

Brooklyn's Finest is euphemistic for Hollywood's Worst. Or Amongst Hollywood's Worst. Seriously. It was like watching Public Enemies all over again, except with a modern twist. I kept waiting, and waiting, and waiting for the action to start. Then, before I knew it (without giving away the sordid details), the movie was over. The ending, while realistic(ish), sucked (word of the day - er, night, ladies and gents).

I hate movies with no plot. I hate it when respectable actors are forced to try and act out mindless dialogues in movies with no plot. I hate movies that are graphic for the sake of being graphic, as opposed to the sake of the plot. Oh, right, I forgot - there was no plot. Brooklyn's Finest - hahahahahahaha! - was a combination of The Hours, Public Enemies, and The Departed. Thing is, though, both The Hours and The Departed had depth, had meaning - had plot! (Confusing, maybe, but it was there.) Not so much Public Enemies. Hell no, Brooklyn's Finest.

(By the way, my respect for Leonardo DiCaprio in such movies as The Departed, Blood Diamond, Body of Lies, and etc. only added to my disgust that he couldn't even put on a decent performance in Shutter Island, a movie that was destined to be bad from its opening scene.)

I am honestly shocked at how bad the movies that have been coming out lately are. Can no one come up with a half-decent idea? All those movies that Amanda Seyfried's in now? Like...wtf? Honestly? Even action movies - my favourite genre - are seriously lacking. What is going on? Do all writers have a block? Holy shit...

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it was a good movie and I'm just being a bitch. Maybe I'm too shallow, and require a movie that I can easily enjoy. Maybe what I mistake for depth is really a clear-cut story and is presented in such a way that you simply cannot mistake it for something other than what it is. Maybe I'm just stupid.

But probably not.

SO: warning against Shutter Island and Brooklyn's Finest. Both are Amongst Hollywood's Worst. And A Waste of Your Money.

Angrily yours, 
Aya

Canada vs. the U.S. = no match

So, following the defeat of the U.S. in the finals of men's hockey, heat between Americans and Canadians has reached an all-time high. Everyone wants to prove that his or her country is better. Such debates are filling up comment spaces on such sites as Youtube, under such songs as "Oh...Canada" by such artists as Classified.

I find this hysterical for a number of reasons: 1) Americans can't find anything bad that's either new or true about Canada, continuing to repeat the typical spiel on igloos, fat-asses, and scrawny (or as some moron said, "scrony") weaklings; 2) Americans seem to forget that they have more fat-asses per square kilometer than we do people, and seem to be trying to block out the fact that we beat them in the most important sport in the Olympics (who's weak?). Plus, they have deluded themselves to the point where they think that starting moronic wars all over the world is a sign of strength, as opposed to unadulterated stupidity; 3) Americans refuse to believe that Canada has everything they do...and more. They still think that the U.S. is the better place to live in spite of us having consistently better quality of life; 4) the U.S. fucks the world over, but we're still standing with hardly a scratch; 5) Americans can't even articulate their insults well, sticking to a variety of "yo mamma" jokes that are excruciatingly simple, excruciatingly dull, and excruciatingly misspelled. Canadians rightly wonder what the hell these people's imaginary affairs with their mothers have to do with our country; and 6) because of how self-assured Canadians are, and because of all the information and proof they have as resources, they have been able to come up with some truly hilarious and witty comebacks to all the pathetic cracks taken at Canada. One of endless examples: 

"Only in America will a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance." 

I don't know about you, but I loved that one.

What Americans have yet to realize is that we clearly win, simply because we never start the fights in the first place. We're okay with ourselves. They, obviously, are not, and don't want us to be, either, therefore do everything in their power (so, not all that much, when you think about it) to try and demoralize us. Too bad it's having no effect, huh? 

They just can't win. We have way too many advantages. Like the advantage of (in my completely unbiased opinion) a much better country. 

Patriotically yours,

Aya

P.S. Read the comments for yourself for Classified's "Oh...Canada". 


NOTE: This post has been written purely for entertainment and in jest. I don't actually have anything against Americans, and respect the United States. If not, I wouldn't be trying so hard to go to university there. 

Happyhappyhappyness

GO CANADA!

Yes, by some miracle - one that I still cannot, even now, believe occurred, and executed by none other than the magical Sidney Crosby himself - we won the Gold Medal for Men's Hockey, the only medal that mattered to our entire country; it mattered without question for sport-serious fans, and it even mattered to those who have no interest whatsoever - like me - in hockey. Today, our entire country was paying attention to the goings-on in the final between the United States and Canada, even if they weren't directly watching it. I, an infamous hockey-hater, sat glued to the screen for the whole thing, just like I did with the match against Russia. As much as hockey is far from being my sport, this was clearly a game not to be missed, an opinion so ubiquitous throughout Canada - hell, throughout all of North America - right now, that I'm pretty sure most of you can relate. 

If you can't, you're missing out. It's a great feeling. In fact, it's such a great feeling that I felt like posting a short and [almost] completely non-cynical post stating my happiness over the fact that such a glorious thing has occurred. And I would also like to mention that never before have I been so proud to be Canadian. I realized it when I inexplicably started bawling during the Olympic Opening Ceremonies, and further reinforced by the numerous instances when tears would hit my eyes at every slight success or (understandable) shortcoming by a Canadian. And, of course, the gut-wrenching, heart-throbbing anxiety that overtook me whenever I was watching one of our own do his or her thing, and the unexpected blooming of happiness in my chest whenever we won. 

Like the Gold Medal in hockey. That was easily the best feeling of all. 

I don't drink, ladies and gentlemen, but there is absolutely no doubt that I AM CANADIAN. 

Please party responsibly, designate a driver, or have a cab company on speed dial. You don't want your celebrations to go to waste x]

Ecstatically,

Aya

Positive Negativity

Okay, let's face it: the world loves negativity. I'm not talking about the disasters that ravage unbearably unfortunate parts of the world (although there do exist some sadomasochistic psychos who actually enjoy others' misery), or depressing events, or sadness, or in general any tangible form of negativity. No, I'm talking about negative outlooks, negative tones, pessimism, realism (which is just pessimism in disguise, when you really think about it), etc. This is usually brought forth in the form of sarcasm, irony, cynicism, annoyed rants, aggravated rants, angry rants, rants of any form, really...the mediums and methods are endless! (Well, maybe not endless, but I just can't name everything off the top of my head right now.) 

Think about it: nobody wants to read the happy blog entry of some girl who won her volleyball/karate/tennis/etc tournament; they want to read the laugh-my-ass-off sarcastic articles and editorials criticizing politicians, celebrities (especially politicians), current events (especially where politicians are involved), countries (being led by incompetent politicians) and their pathetic governments (specifically what each politician is doing wrong, how, and why), and any other topic that interests a great number of people. (Of course, I'm exaggerating the amount of abuse politicians get, but it's a popular topic in my family, so it carried over.) People don't want cute stories about birthday parties and puppies; they want to read about misdeeds, about stupid occurrences, about huge mistakes - in short, about anything that will make them feel superior and better about themselves. After all, it's easy to call someone else stupid when all we're doing is watching from the sidelines. 

Which, I might add, is something I do all the time. I'm kind of a hypocrite that way. 

But anyway, it's true. Think about it. The most interesting articles and essays are sarcastically amusing ones that detail all the faults of this world and its creatures. (For example: amongst the biggest hypocrites on this planet - the one and only Al Gore! He claims he wants the world to go GREEN, and yet his ginormous house consumes more energy in a few weeks than most houses do in a year...oh, and by the way? Buying carbon credits? Bullshit. It's a way to feel better about yourself when you're really one of the biggest polluters on the PLANET.) And from my own personal experience: I get ideas for topics from things that really annoy me. In fact, I read a quote in a book once. It went something along the lines of this: "There's no point in writing if you can't piss somebody off."  

Looks like a prayer out of a journalist's bible. 

You have to wonder why that is, though. Why do humans find the negative aspects of our lives so compelling, while the cute and happy stuff is deemed mundane, uninteresting, and, thus, ignorable? And why are things the most interesting when they're shown through a negative light? Why does the majority of humanity see the glass as half-empty instead of half-full? Why does the negative stuff influence us more than the positive stuff, even if it's sometimes in a positive way? (There's a twisted question for you.) That is to say, sometimes people only take things into serious consideration when it's presented to them in a cynical, sarcastic, or ironic form. Why is that? (By the way, this is a generalization, and I may be wrong in my assumption, so don't be offended or take this the wrong way.)  

Not to get all philosophical on you, but if you have a thought, let me know. And if I ever come to some semblance of an answer, I'll post it, too.


Wonderingly yours, 
Aya

Online Communication

Or rather, pathetic online communication. I got an email today, and it gave me an idea for a post. (Oh, the irony: I haven't had anything to write about in weeks, and suddenly my head is brimming with ideas on one night - it's still the 18th as I start to write this. And I have another idea, too, but it's way too late now...)

The topic: terrible online communicationalists (wow, that sounds so good...too bad it's not a word). Specifically in terms of emails and instant messaging (any form of instant messaging, including MSN, Skype, AOL, whatever). [Note: I don't have Facebook, or MySpace, or Twitter, or anything similar, so I can't really comment on those, but I'm pretty sure my rant will still apply in some ways.]

Ironically, the email that gave me this idea was a really good one. Not just because it contained a good message, but because it was so...different. From all the other emails I get, I mean. More creative and, thus, far more interesting. The title was an inside joke, but while it was funny and meant one thing, it was also the opposite, and implied something more serious. The message itself was short, but it actually meant something, and it wasn't written plainly, but in the complex type of wording that can make an impression on someone. Well, on me, anyway. 

It was this particular email, though, that made me realize how pathetic and boring the other emails I get are. No interesting titles, no captivating words or letters, nothing to make them stand out in my mind. One of my pet peeves is forwarded emails (although there is one person who is good at this, sending on only the ones that are actually interesting or worth reading). Why people think I want to figure out my fortune, or find out who my soulmate is, or read about fake people who want to raise money for some fake ailment (God help me if, in fact, these people and ailments are not fake, and I am simply a cruel, heartless bitch), or other generic and brain-cell-killing topics is completely beyond me. And who creates them in the first place, anyway? How bored do you have to be to waste precious hours and minutes on something so completely useless? I have better things to do with my time. (For those people who don't and actual enjoy these emails, I do not apologize if I've offended you. Seriously. This is how strong my opinion is.) 

I also hate junk mail, but I think that can be agreed on unanimously. 

When it comes to emails, I guess all I want to say is that I wish I got more that are as interesting as the one I got earlier. Something different. Something that actually makes me smile or laugh (I admit to being a person who uses the abbreviations "lol", "lmao," and "lmfao" excessively, with an extreme lack of emotion when it should be there. For example: Someone: Hey, what's up? Me: Not much, you? S: Not much, just doing homework. Me: lol OR S: omg, i really want to see [insert movie here]. Me: lol, yeah, me too. I mean...it's not funny that someone is doing homework...and it's not funny that we want to see some movie...and yet "laugh out loud" is there. Why? Why would you laugh out loud at that? WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU LAUGH AT HOMEWORK? I CRY at homework. And yet I didn't say, "bmeo" (bawl my eyes out); no, I said L-O-FRIGGIN-L. I say lol all the time. Everybody does. It's a conversation softner more than anything. If you want somebody to know that you're happy and relaxed, you say lol. Otherwise, they start thinking you're pissed off and moody. It's impossible to carry on a normal conversation through instant messaging. AND ON THAT NOTE, I WILL CLOSE THIS PARENTHETICAL SIDE-NOTE! *Ha ha, bet you forgot that this was bracketed. Bet you forgot what this paragraph was originally about, actually. Because I did.*)

Speaking of instant messaging conversations, this is the other online communication failure I wanted to discuss. In all honesty, how many times have you been forced to partake in conversations like this: 

Person A: hey
Person B: hey
A: what's up?
B: nm, u?
A: nm, jc
B: lol
[...*chirping crickets*...]

[NB: For the record, I am one of those people who refuses to use shorthands like "nm," "u", "jc," etc. It does not take much longer to type out you than u. It is this abbreviated MSN-speak that is going to be North American Literacy's demise. (Although I'm not anal enough to care about capitals.)]

What kind of conversation is this? Person A, if you are starting a conversation, that means - for some reason, however inexplicable or expected it may be - you want to speak to Person B. If this is the case, it is then your job to keep the conversation going - you accepted this responsibility by default when you started the conversation. In most cases, Person B didn't do this because Person B had nothing to say, and therefore did not feel the need to say something for the sake of saying something. (I say most cases because, of course, there is an exception to every rule...or theory.) If you have nothing to say, though, and have started the conversation for the sake of starting a conversation, here's a word of advice: don't start the conversation. This will be a rude awakening for many, many of my friends, but I hate conversations that start with a "hey" or "hey, what's up?" and basically end there. Unless you actually care about what I'm doing, or you have something interesting to tell me, or have something to ask me, or have a legitimate reason for talking to me, do me a favour: don't. It's true that conversations with a purpose can taper off to nothing, too, but at least they start with something. Conversations that are nothing from the very start are doomed. (It is important to note that when a conversation is interesting, it usually continues on for a long time. Unfortunately for the human race, such interesting discourse is difficult to come by. It requires an emotional attachment or involvement that is rare on the web. In fact, you have to ask yourself: if you want to talk to this person so much, why not call them? Why not meet up with them? Why keep talking online? Of course, there are many reasons, including the confidence being unseen gives, or the fact that you can take time to calculate and concoct a witty response with no one realizing that that is what you are doing. But still...)

Oh, and another thing that annoys me! (Wow, aren't I just a little ray of sunshine?) People who take forever to respond! And I don't mean once or twice, because that's understandable. Most people do things other than chat when they're at their computers - or at least, let's hope so - and sometimes they are involuntarily drawn away from their computers, but they can explain themselves when they return. But when people continuously take two, three, ten minutes to reply, it PISSES ME OFF. If you don't want to talk....WHY'D YOU START TALKING?! Otherwise, if you're busy, TELL me you're busy and that you'll take a while to reply, so that I don't feel like hunting you down! Actually, if you're busy, SIGN OFF. Do yourself AND everybody else a favour. But do NOT take five minutes to reply. DO NOT.

*FUMING*

Oh, and in fact, I hate responses like this (some of which I'm guilty, but only in cases where I dislike or am annoyed with - not a rare occurrence - the person I'm speaking to): cool; nice; sick; i dunno; i see, and etc. If you have nothing to say, or if you don't want to talk, tell the bloody person that you're busy and stop wasting their time (unless you don't give a shit about them, and want to waste their time, or want to make them feel bad; in that case, you have the green light. Don't forget that you're wasting your time, too, though...)


Oh, and while I'm on the topic of pathetic communication, let's touch on text messages, shall we? I hate having conversations through texts. The irony of that statement is that I do it all the time. But I hate doing it. I don't even know why I do it. Same with lol. There are just some things that aggravate me, and yet it doesn't seem like I can avoid them (or rather, I can, but not without isolating myself entirely.) But seriously. If you want to talk, CALL the person. It's not as hard as it sounds.

So, in summation: boring emails, strained and dull conversations, and poor conversationalists are all things that need to be eliminated.

Cheers!
Aya