God I hate cheesiness. Or corniness - whatever you want to call it. This may or may not be a strange thing to say for a girl, but in this day and age, I don't really think that it's all that abnormal. Let's face it: girls are sick and tired of worn out, cliched, and more or less thoughtless words being thrown their way, just because the same words worked for the protagonists in cheap, cutesy chick-flicks thrown together by Hollywood in an on-going attempt to plant unrealistic ideas into the minds of women and earn money off of it.
As disappointing to admit as it is, it cannot be denied that, at one point in time, we actually really thought that fairytale-like happy endings were a certainty for each and every one of us. That belief has slowly died out as contemporary reality continues to slap us in the face each and every day, which is why poetry and songs played on guitars in the middle of public places, or elaborate proposals and declarations of love, and all those other things that may have been sweet and original at the beginning of the 20th century, are no longer sweet and original; they're annoying, overplayed, and an indication that a guy doesn't care enough to do something that is different. Even if it isn't something completely spectacular, if it is thoughtful and shows that the guy knows the girl well, knows what she's all about, it is automatically romantic, automatically original.
Now, to explore this topic further, I will create yet another list. (That seems to be my style of prose of choice of late. And yes. I put in all those "of"s on purpose.) This is a list of the top ten cheesiest forms of torture a male can make a female suffer through, compiled from what I have seen in movies, read in books, and have experienced. And thus:
TOP 10 CHEESIEST FORMS OF TORTURE
10. A love letter bursting with extended metaphors, similes likening your smile to a ray of sunshine and your eyes to the depths of the Atlantic, and hyperbolic descriptions of your endless desirable qualities. Some girls and women might actually enjoy this and find it cute; in fact, some would probably kill to get a letter like this. On the other hand, I have to point out that you can't look directly into the sun because you'll be blinded, and Titanic sank in the Atlantic Ocean. Foreshadowing, anyone?
9. Singing a song for or dedicated to you on karaoke night, gaze unwaveringly fixated on you. This can be made infinitely worse if the song is a mushy oldie by a female artist longing for her true love, and if the guy singing it cannot carry a tune. In films, the result is often a tearful, love-struck woman making her way to the man as if floating on air, unable to suppress her happiness. In real life, the object of affection would sink as low in her chair or booth as possible without actually hiding under the table, face burning with embarrassment, downing shots in quick succession in the hopes of blocking everything out.
8. Singing a song for you while playing on the guitar, usually somewhere in a park, on a stage during mic night, or in other stereotypically "romantic" locations. Usually, several people will be around to amplify the effect. A man who chooses to do this has three things: an unfortunate ability to play an instrument, an equally unfortunate taste in music, and an unattractive amount of self-confidence. Or the need to be seen. Or both. Whichever it is, unless you yourself are completely unoriginal and simple-minded, this guy isn't a keeper. (It must be noted that a guy singing a song for you that he wrote himself, accompanied by either guitar or piano, isn't actually that bad. It takes effort to write a song, and it takes courage to perform it for you. And if the guy sings it for you somewhere secluded, where it's just the two of you? That's even better. While still corny, it's admittedly quite sweet. He might be a keeper.)
7. Writing you a poem and reading it to you in front of a huge group of people. This isn't a proclamation of love so much as it is a cry for attention. If a guy was so inspired by you that he wrote a poem about you, and he wanted to show it to you to show how he feels, he would usually just give it to you in an envelope or read it to you privately. A crowd acts as validation that he did the right thing in wasting his time writing anything, a way to try and garner approval, recognition and popularity. The excuse that he wanted the whole world to know how he felt is bullshit: what the world thinks doesn't matter - as long as you know, it should be enough. And getting a relationship out in the open like that isn't romantic; it's annoying and desperate.
6. Making a speech to and about you (without having previously written anything down), also in the midst of a huge crowd. Much of the previous applies, although this is slightly worse, because the "spontaneity" of it is supposed to be deemed even more romantic than something a guy has been planning for a long time, as it is supposed to imply that he laid eyes on you and automatically had the urge to do something spectacular and sweet. What it really means is that the guy realized at the last second that he hasn't actually done anything particularly wonderful of late, and since he hasn't bothered thinking about you when you aren't around, he has nothing prepared, so he figures that doing something so sudden and unexpected will be considered spontaneous and romantic (really getting tired of that word), and will embarrass both you and himself just to try and lodge himself deeper in your good book.
5. Buying you an extravagant gift (not ring) to show you his affection, accompanied by a personalized card or letter with a declaration of his love, for Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day. Declaring love on Valentine's Day is about as original as wishing someone a Happy Birthday on their...er...birthday. Besides, it's such an overrated - and redundant - holiday that anything you do on it is just as overrated and redundant.
4. Proposing on Valentine's Day. Enough said.
3. Proposing on Valentine's Day in a huge crowd of people, especially if your parents are present. Oh, the horror...
2. Compiling an extravagant proposal in the middle of Central Park, New York, complete with song and dance, and accompanied with several back-up dancers and singers, musicians, and a camera crew. Oh, and let's not forget the crowd of people that will have inevitably gathered before the whole ordeal even begins. A lot of you, if you pay any attention to MSN videos, will probably know what I'm referring to.
1. This one's a classic, one that everybody knows. It was considered extremely romantic and beautiful when it was first introduced - you know, back in the sixteenth century. Yes, the timeless scene from Romeo and Juliet: professing one's love underneath the balcony on which the object of affection stands, transfixed, mesmerized, and equally passionate. This has been watered down and modernized over time, so variations may be of a boy on a lawn spilling his heart out to a girl looking down from her bedroom window; a boy on a lawn playing his guitar and singing a song to confess his feelings in front of a dorm building, several girls (and boys) looking down from their windows; a boy looking up at an enormous dorm building, and every girl in it is hanging out of her window, waving and calling to him - except one. The one. The possibilities are endless, but the result is the same: melting, gooey, smelly cheese.
I apologize in advance if this offends anyone, since it is hardly a representation of how every single female on the planet feels. Many women will find such things adorable, and many would want to be the objects of affection in similar scenarios. On the other hand, many feel the opposite, and I am very much one of them. I will take Pad Thai or sushi over flowers and a card any day, and while I, like most females, love chocolate, moderation is key.
Truthfully yours,
Aya
6.27.2010
6.25.2010
Liar, liar - no, not the movie
Oh, hello. Remember me? The absentee author of this blog? Yeah, just thought I'd pop in for a bit, say a few words. You know, kind of like I'm supposed to be doing a few times each month. But, since I've quite obviously failed spectacularly in doing so, I will cease promising anything from this point forward, as it is clear that I follow through on them about as often as I pull out my own eyelashes...on purpose. (In real life, of course, that is made easier, but when it comes to stuff like this, motivation and ideas play huge roles in putting this out - and as I have had neither, you have had nothing to read.)
As we are on the topic of promises, though, let us discuss a very closely related topic: lies. Lately I have found myself in the midst of a myriad of people who have turned out to be very different from who I believed them to be. Lies, I have found through experience, always lead to far more trouble than telling the truth - no matter how bad or otherwise it may be - does. Not to sound cliche, but lies will end up hurting people 95% of the time...even if the initial intentions are to get the opposite effect. So, knowing this, why do people lie? Aside from the obvious reasons (i.e. to try and save their own hides), why do people tell the lies they do? I've explored this topic a little bit, and have come up with the following list of reasons why people lie
(It should be noted beforehand that these are opinions of my own, and disagreements are very much welcome. In fact, if you have a refutation, please let me know what it is. =] )
And so, why people lie:
1. To enhance one's image. After all, it sounds far more exciting to say (if you're a girl) that Sidney Crosby, currently the greatest hockey player in the entire world, lost his virginity to you, and now he won't stop bugging you, even though you've told him time and again that you aren't interested, than to say "Oh, yeah, my first time was with my high school boyfriend in grade twelve. We didn't last very long after that. It was my first time, but man, it sucked."
2. To improve one's social situation. I mean, who wouldn't lie about being rich and having super-nice cars, and getting regular opportunities to drive super-cars - like Audi R8s, but it was only a v10 - and have their own businesses at the ripe old age of seventeen? It's so much more impressive than, uh, a job at Longo's or Futureshop, and thus garners significantly more attention. And, er, friendships.
3. To avoid problems. You want something, but you know that, if you get it, shit is seriously going to hit the fan. Hell, you don't even want it all that much, but why not take the risk if you know that you can avoid all the drama and fuss if you just...don't mention it? Why not go ahead and take the plunge if you know that the person has next to no way of figuring out the truth? (The answer? Because big lies are always way too hard to keep up, and in this day and age, even if that person doesn't know what's going on, someone they know most likely does, so secrets don't stay secret for very long...)
4. Because one cares only about oneself. Who gives a shit how a person's lies may affect the ones closest to them? It's all about being in the moment, all about getting in the most advantageous situation possible. It's because people want to be the ones to come out on top, to be the ones with the most material (and, in some cases, immaterial) possessions. If telling a few lies gets you ahead, then what's wrong with drawing a little bit of emotional blood in the process?
5. To have a back-up plan. This one's easy: you lie to people so that, in case something in your life falls through (friendships, jobs, all manners of relationships), you can have something or someone to fall back on. This is done most often in high school: you mingle and fake your way into as many social groups as possible so that, if one kicks you out, you've still got a place to go.
6. Insecurity. This ties into the first and second ones: you don't feel that you, as a person, are good enough. So you lie to make yourself seem better to everyone else. Problem with that is, as I mentioned earlier, it's hard to maintain really big lies for very long in this day and age. At one point, someone will find out that you do not have a Porsche 911 Turbo, that your ex-girlfriend was not a Brazilian supermodel, that you are not an heir to a major chain of hotels, and that you were never a superstar hockey player who will never be in the NHL due to an injury. They will, instead, discover that you take the bus, have never been in a relationship, have no clue what the hell you're going to do with your life, and have never played a competitive sport in which you could potentially get bruised. In fact, your idea of "exercise" is the five-minute walk to the bus stop every morning.
7. Starved for attention. Also ties into several of the aforementioned reasons. People who are alone and need company, or need others to pay attention to them will lie their asses off - a lot of the time, though, the lies won't always be good. Not uncommon to lie about illnesses and diseases that are ravaging ones body just for the sake of getting sympathy and pity from the people who hear about it. Note to all those who do this: karma is a fucking bitch, so choose your lies carefully. Better yet, come to terms with your dull reality and just let it be.
I certainly have.
Affrontedly yours,
Aya
As we are on the topic of promises, though, let us discuss a very closely related topic: lies. Lately I have found myself in the midst of a myriad of people who have turned out to be very different from who I believed them to be. Lies, I have found through experience, always lead to far more trouble than telling the truth - no matter how bad or otherwise it may be - does. Not to sound cliche, but lies will end up hurting people 95% of the time...even if the initial intentions are to get the opposite effect. So, knowing this, why do people lie? Aside from the obvious reasons (i.e. to try and save their own hides), why do people tell the lies they do? I've explored this topic a little bit, and have come up with the following list of reasons why people lie
(It should be noted beforehand that these are opinions of my own, and disagreements are very much welcome. In fact, if you have a refutation, please let me know what it is. =] )
And so, why people lie:
1. To enhance one's image. After all, it sounds far more exciting to say (if you're a girl) that Sidney Crosby, currently the greatest hockey player in the entire world, lost his virginity to you, and now he won't stop bugging you, even though you've told him time and again that you aren't interested, than to say "Oh, yeah, my first time was with my high school boyfriend in grade twelve. We didn't last very long after that. It was my first time, but man, it sucked."
2. To improve one's social situation. I mean, who wouldn't lie about being rich and having super-nice cars, and getting regular opportunities to drive super-cars - like Audi R8s, but it was only a v10 - and have their own businesses at the ripe old age of seventeen? It's so much more impressive than, uh, a job at Longo's or Futureshop, and thus garners significantly more attention. And, er, friendships.
3. To avoid problems. You want something, but you know that, if you get it, shit is seriously going to hit the fan. Hell, you don't even want it all that much, but why not take the risk if you know that you can avoid all the drama and fuss if you just...don't mention it? Why not go ahead and take the plunge if you know that the person has next to no way of figuring out the truth? (The answer? Because big lies are always way too hard to keep up, and in this day and age, even if that person doesn't know what's going on, someone they know most likely does, so secrets don't stay secret for very long...)
4. Because one cares only about oneself. Who gives a shit how a person's lies may affect the ones closest to them? It's all about being in the moment, all about getting in the most advantageous situation possible. It's because people want to be the ones to come out on top, to be the ones with the most material (and, in some cases, immaterial) possessions. If telling a few lies gets you ahead, then what's wrong with drawing a little bit of emotional blood in the process?
5. To have a back-up plan. This one's easy: you lie to people so that, in case something in your life falls through (friendships, jobs, all manners of relationships), you can have something or someone to fall back on. This is done most often in high school: you mingle and fake your way into as many social groups as possible so that, if one kicks you out, you've still got a place to go.
6. Insecurity. This ties into the first and second ones: you don't feel that you, as a person, are good enough. So you lie to make yourself seem better to everyone else. Problem with that is, as I mentioned earlier, it's hard to maintain really big lies for very long in this day and age. At one point, someone will find out that you do not have a Porsche 911 Turbo, that your ex-girlfriend was not a Brazilian supermodel, that you are not an heir to a major chain of hotels, and that you were never a superstar hockey player who will never be in the NHL due to an injury. They will, instead, discover that you take the bus, have never been in a relationship, have no clue what the hell you're going to do with your life, and have never played a competitive sport in which you could potentially get bruised. In fact, your idea of "exercise" is the five-minute walk to the bus stop every morning.
7. Starved for attention. Also ties into several of the aforementioned reasons. People who are alone and need company, or need others to pay attention to them will lie their asses off - a lot of the time, though, the lies won't always be good. Not uncommon to lie about illnesses and diseases that are ravaging ones body just for the sake of getting sympathy and pity from the people who hear about it. Note to all those who do this: karma is a fucking bitch, so choose your lies carefully. Better yet, come to terms with your dull reality and just let it be.
I certainly have.
Affrontedly yours,
Aya
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