Canada vs. the U.S. = no match

So, following the defeat of the U.S. in the finals of men's hockey, heat between Americans and Canadians has reached an all-time high. Everyone wants to prove that his or her country is better. Such debates are filling up comment spaces on such sites as Youtube, under such songs as "Oh...Canada" by such artists as Classified.

I find this hysterical for a number of reasons: 1) Americans can't find anything bad that's either new or true about Canada, continuing to repeat the typical spiel on igloos, fat-asses, and scrawny (or as some moron said, "scrony") weaklings; 2) Americans seem to forget that they have more fat-asses per square kilometer than we do people, and seem to be trying to block out the fact that we beat them in the most important sport in the Olympics (who's weak?). Plus, they have deluded themselves to the point where they think that starting moronic wars all over the world is a sign of strength, as opposed to unadulterated stupidity; 3) Americans refuse to believe that Canada has everything they do...and more. They still think that the U.S. is the better place to live in spite of us having consistently better quality of life; 4) the U.S. fucks the world over, but we're still standing with hardly a scratch; 5) Americans can't even articulate their insults well, sticking to a variety of "yo mamma" jokes that are excruciatingly simple, excruciatingly dull, and excruciatingly misspelled. Canadians rightly wonder what the hell these people's imaginary affairs with their mothers have to do with our country; and 6) because of how self-assured Canadians are, and because of all the information and proof they have as resources, they have been able to come up with some truly hilarious and witty comebacks to all the pathetic cracks taken at Canada. One of endless examples: 

"Only in America will a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance." 

I don't know about you, but I loved that one.

What Americans have yet to realize is that we clearly win, simply because we never start the fights in the first place. We're okay with ourselves. They, obviously, are not, and don't want us to be, either, therefore do everything in their power (so, not all that much, when you think about it) to try and demoralize us. Too bad it's having no effect, huh? 

They just can't win. We have way too many advantages. Like the advantage of (in my completely unbiased opinion) a much better country. 

Patriotically yours,

Aya

P.S. Read the comments for yourself for Classified's "Oh...Canada". 


NOTE: This post has been written purely for entertainment and in jest. I don't actually have anything against Americans, and respect the United States. If not, I wouldn't be trying so hard to go to university there. 

Happyhappyhappyness

GO CANADA!

Yes, by some miracle - one that I still cannot, even now, believe occurred, and executed by none other than the magical Sidney Crosby himself - we won the Gold Medal for Men's Hockey, the only medal that mattered to our entire country; it mattered without question for sport-serious fans, and it even mattered to those who have no interest whatsoever - like me - in hockey. Today, our entire country was paying attention to the goings-on in the final between the United States and Canada, even if they weren't directly watching it. I, an infamous hockey-hater, sat glued to the screen for the whole thing, just like I did with the match against Russia. As much as hockey is far from being my sport, this was clearly a game not to be missed, an opinion so ubiquitous throughout Canada - hell, throughout all of North America - right now, that I'm pretty sure most of you can relate. 

If you can't, you're missing out. It's a great feeling. In fact, it's such a great feeling that I felt like posting a short and [almost] completely non-cynical post stating my happiness over the fact that such a glorious thing has occurred. And I would also like to mention that never before have I been so proud to be Canadian. I realized it when I inexplicably started bawling during the Olympic Opening Ceremonies, and further reinforced by the numerous instances when tears would hit my eyes at every slight success or (understandable) shortcoming by a Canadian. And, of course, the gut-wrenching, heart-throbbing anxiety that overtook me whenever I was watching one of our own do his or her thing, and the unexpected blooming of happiness in my chest whenever we won. 

Like the Gold Medal in hockey. That was easily the best feeling of all. 

I don't drink, ladies and gentlemen, but there is absolutely no doubt that I AM CANADIAN. 

Please party responsibly, designate a driver, or have a cab company on speed dial. You don't want your celebrations to go to waste x]

Ecstatically,

Aya