Cheese(iness)

God I hate cheesiness. Or corniness - whatever you want to call it. This may or may not be a strange thing to say for a girl, but in this day and age, I don't really think that it's all that abnormal. Let's face it: girls are sick and tired of worn out, cliched, and more or less thoughtless words being thrown their way, just because the same words worked for the protagonists in cheap, cutesy chick-flicks thrown together by Hollywood in an on-going attempt to plant unrealistic ideas into the minds of women and earn money off of it. 

As disappointing to admit as it is, it cannot be denied that, at one point in time, we actually really thought that fairytale-like happy endings were a certainty for each and every one of us. That belief has slowly died out as contemporary reality continues to slap us in the face each and every day, which is why poetry and songs played on guitars in the middle of public places, or elaborate proposals and declarations of love, and all those other things that may have been sweet and original at the beginning of the 20th century, are no longer sweet and original; they're annoying, overplayed, and an indication that a guy doesn't care enough to do something that is different. Even if it isn't something completely spectacular, if it is thoughtful and shows that the guy knows the girl well, knows what she's all about, it is automatically romantic, automatically original.

Now, to explore this topic further, I will create yet another list. (That seems to be my style of prose of choice of late. And yes. I put in all those "of"s on purpose.) This is a list of the top ten cheesiest forms of torture a male can make a female suffer through, compiled from what I have seen in movies, read in books, and have experienced. And thus: 

TOP 10 CHEESIEST FORMS OF TORTURE

10. A love letter bursting with extended metaphors, similes likening your smile to a ray of sunshine and your eyes to the depths of the Atlantic, and hyperbolic descriptions of your endless desirable qualities. Some girls and women might actually enjoy this and find it cute; in fact, some would probably kill to get a letter like this. On the other hand, I have to point out that you can't look directly into the sun because you'll be blinded, and Titanic sank in the Atlantic Ocean. Foreshadowing, anyone? 

9. Singing a song for or dedicated to you on karaoke night, gaze unwaveringly fixated on you. This can be made infinitely worse if the song is a mushy oldie by a female artist longing for her true love, and if the guy singing it cannot carry a tune. In films, the result is often a tearful, love-struck woman making her way to the man as if floating on air, unable to suppress her happiness. In real life, the object of affection would sink as low in her chair or booth as possible without actually hiding under the table, face burning with embarrassment, downing shots in quick succession in the hopes of blocking everything out. 

8. Singing a song for you while playing on the guitar, usually somewhere in a park, on a stage during mic night, or in other stereotypically "romantic" locations. Usually, several people will be around to amplify the effect. A man who chooses to do this has three things: an unfortunate ability to play an instrument, an equally unfortunate taste in music, and an unattractive amount of self-confidence. Or the need to be seen. Or both. Whichever it is, unless you yourself are completely unoriginal and simple-minded, this guy isn't a keeper. (It must be noted that a guy singing a song for you that he wrote himself, accompanied by either guitar or piano, isn't actually that bad. It takes effort to write a song, and it takes courage to perform it for you. And if the guy sings it for you somewhere secluded, where it's just the two of you? That's even better. While still corny, it's admittedly quite sweet. He might be a keeper.) 

7. Writing you a poem and reading it to you in front of a huge group of people. This isn't a proclamation of love so much as it is a cry for attention. If a guy was so inspired by you that he wrote a poem about you, and he wanted to show it to you to show how he feels, he would usually just give it to you in an envelope or read it to you privately. A crowd acts as validation that he did the right thing in wasting his time writing anything, a way to try and garner approval, recognition and popularity. The excuse that he wanted the whole world to know how he felt is bullshit: what the world thinks doesn't matter - as long as you know, it should be enough. And getting a relationship out in the open like that isn't romantic; it's annoying and desperate. 

6. Making a speech to and about you (without having previously written anything down), also in the midst of a huge crowd. Much of the previous applies, although this is slightly worse, because the "spontaneity" of it is supposed to be deemed even more romantic than something a guy has been planning for a long time, as it is supposed to imply that he laid eyes on you and automatically had the urge to do something spectacular and sweet. What it really means is that the guy realized at the last second that he hasn't actually done anything particularly wonderful of late, and since he hasn't bothered thinking about you when you aren't around, he has nothing prepared, so he figures that doing something so sudden and unexpected will be considered spontaneous and romantic (really getting tired of that word), and will embarrass both you and himself just to try and lodge himself deeper in your good book. 

5. Buying you an extravagant gift (not ring) to show you his affection, accompanied by a personalized card or letter with a declaration of his love, for Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day. Declaring love on Valentine's Day is about as original as wishing someone a Happy Birthday on their...er...birthday. Besides, it's such an overrated - and redundant - holiday that anything you do on it is just as overrated and redundant.

4. Proposing on Valentine's Day. Enough said. 

3. Proposing on Valentine's Day in a huge crowd of people, especially if your parents are present. Oh, the horror... 

2. Compiling an extravagant proposal in the middle of Central Park, New York, complete with song and dance, and accompanied with several back-up dancers and singers, musicians, and a camera crew. Oh, and let's not forget the crowd of people that will have inevitably gathered before the whole ordeal even begins. A lot of you, if you pay any attention to MSN videos, will probably know what I'm referring to. 

1. This one's a classic, one that everybody knows. It was considered extremely romantic and beautiful when it was first introduced - you know, back in the sixteenth century. Yes, the timeless scene from Romeo and Juliet: professing one's love underneath the balcony on which the object of affection stands, transfixed, mesmerized, and equally passionate. This has been watered down and modernized over time, so variations may be of a boy on a lawn spilling his heart out to a girl looking down from her bedroom window; a boy on a lawn playing his guitar and singing a song to confess his feelings in front of a dorm building, several girls (and boys) looking down from their windows; a boy looking up at an enormous dorm building, and every girl in it is hanging out of her window, waving and calling to him - except one. The one. The possibilities are endless, but the result is the same: melting, gooey, smelly cheese.

I apologize in advance if this offends anyone, since it is hardly a representation of how every single female on the planet feels. Many women will find such things adorable, and many would want to be the objects of affection in similar scenarios. On the other hand, many feel the opposite, and I am very much one of them. I will take Pad Thai or sushi over flowers and a card any day, and while I, like most females, love chocolate, moderation is key. 


Truthfully yours, 
Aya